Depression

Tabi had decided she would take what homework she needed to work on and take it into Hogsmeade for the weekend. She wanted to get away from everyone and spend time alone with her thoughts. She thought she had been able to keep herself cheered up even after talking to Humphrey, but it wasn't working.

Walking into the tea shop she order a cup of earl grey tea and a couple of biscuits and found and empty booth in the back. She fixed up her tea the way she liked it then pulled out some parchment and her potions book and began writing down some notes. She was trying to keep the tears at bay but it was not working.

Every once in awhile she let out a sob and then continued, she was glad that there was no one in the shop that she noticed.

Alistair ran a hand through his hair, messing it up even further. His boots crunched through the snow, as he made his way through the winding paths of Hogsmeade. England was a nice place, definitely colder than Australia, but nice. He liked it here. This wizarding village in particular was a very picturesque place, with its small snow-laden houses and shops. Very Christmassy.

Alistair pushed open the doors of a cafe, it looked very girly, but it was warm. After ordering a coffee, he made his way to a booth at the back. He took out his sketchbook, pencil in hand, searching for someone to sketch, portraits were his favourites. Aha. There was a blonde girl ahead, stooped over her cup of earl grey. Something about her called out to Alistair, and he immediately began putting her face to paper with brisk pencil strokes.

Wait a minute, was she crying? Without really realizing that she was just a stranger, and didn't know him, Alistair got up and walked over to the booth immediately, concern bubbling in his chest, "Excuse me? Is there something wrong?"

Tabi had taken a moment a looked out the window and noticed that it was snowing. Leshia and her had so much funny playing out in the snow. Tabi caught herself chewing on her quill.

She was still crying and didn't notice the guy that had come in and sat near her. She took a napkin wiping her tears and took a drink of her tea. Next thing she knew there was someone over her talking.

She looked up to the voice with red swollen puffy eyes. Usually being a one that rips people's head off for bothering her, but she could not bring herself to be that way.

"Anything, everything. My life is just falling apart sometimes I wish I would just die." Tabi stated plainly and without emotion.

Alistair felt his eyebrows rising high in spite of himself. The girl was speaking, speaking in a voice that was reminiscent of dead people. There was no emotion in her voice, none in her eyes. She really looked like she wanted to die. Which was a shame, really.

"Well, if you feel that way, you should either take matters into your own hands, try to improve things and start living again, or you should just kill yourself off. No use doing things halfway, and just hanging in between, right?" The words were unusually blunt, and somewhat harsh, but Alistair believed in saying what he meant. Other people would have probably tried to comfort her, but false words of comfort could do no permanent good.

Then, in a slightly hesitant voice, "Do you mind if I sit here?"

Tabi listened to the way this guy talked, she had never had someone told her how things were they always told her what they thought she wanted to hear.

"It does no one any good for a person to kill themselves, trust me I have already tried. It just cause more pain. But that doesn't mean I can't feel like my life is worthless."

Tabi heard him ask to sit down and there was something about this man she could not refuse.

"Yeah its a free country last time I checked, you tell things like they are, why bother asking." Tabi said as she pointed to the chair. "I am Tabi, you might as well know if your gona join me.

Alistair settled into the seat beside the girl, Tabi, still slightly unsure of why exactly he was doing this. Probably because he loved life, and he hated to see it go to waste. One of the side-effects of being a Healer, even if he was still an apprentice. "Alistair Kane. I would say it was a pleasure to meet you, but the fact remains that you're depressed, and I don't exactly find it a pleasure to talk to suicidal people." Even if the suicidal person concerned is really pleasant on the eyes.

Alistair began tapping his fingers on the table, voice absolutely logical and reasonable, "Yes, alive people can feel like their lives are worthless. That doesn't make it right though. What use is it really, to sit and mope? Will your life automatically get better? If you really feel so bad about it, then do something to improve it, rather than sitting and crying in a corner." Then Alistair smiled. "I know you're feeling like hexing me right now, but the truth is the truth. And I don't try to sugar-coat it."

Tabi looked at him while he spoke and she was slowly coming out of the state that she was in and getting a little irate at this guy.

"Well I told you the mood I was in before you asked to to sit down, I said I wish I was dead I didn't say I was going to kill myself." Tabi spat at the guy

Tabi was practically glaring at the guy, "I spent two years locked up the last time I tried to kill myself and I don't intend to be there again."

Tabi could not believe that she just told the guy that, first guy to pay attention to her, well besides Humphrey and she was being a biotch. But then he wasn't being mister perfect either.

Tabi was actually listening to the guy talk and maybe what he said and the way he put it was true, but how can you not.

"Well its hard when you give your life to something and then it choose to walk away. I might know its better it not be in that life, but it doesn't mean I can't be upset about it." Tabi sighed

When Alistair comment about hexing him, "Don't presume to know what I want to do, for all you know I might want to kiss you just for being honest with me." Tabi spat.

Of course Tabi wanted to hex him for telling her how things were but she was not going to admit that to him.

Whoa. The personality change in the girl was a bit unnerving. At the beginning, she was shedding tears like nothing else. And now, she looked fit to kill him. Merlin, if looks could kill, Alistair would be buried six feet under by now. Well, too bad that didn't quite affect him. He believed in speaking his mind, and appreciated those who could do the same, "Well, its good that you aren't suicidal. But the way you were talking.......anyone could have mistaken you to be so."

Then Alistair paused for a second. When Tabi phrased it like that.........well, he could imagine being depressed when someone important to him, like his mother, left him. Alistair looked up, gazing directly at Tabi, voice completely serious, "When you say give your life to someone, I assume you mean love. The guy walked away after you gave your life to him? If that's so, then he's a jerk and you should be angry at him. But by being depressed like this, you're still letting him control your life, even though he isn't here." Alistair looked at Tabi's green eyes, "Is that what you really want?"

Then, in the midst of the serious situation, Alistair couldn't help but chuckle slightly, "Kiss me? Really? Sure doesn't seem like that from the way you're glaring at me."

Tabi was sighing inwardly to herself, what on earth was she doing just spilling out all of her feeling to some guy she just met. She knew why because all the days of therapy and how they always teach you it helps to get things off your chest and he just happen to be the guy that asked first.

"Yeah well I have trouble sometimes saying what I am meaning my words get all twisted around. I usually just say the first thing that pops in my head." Tabi smirked. "But then they say that's usually when your the most honest."

Tabi had not thought about it until he had put it that way. "I guess I never looked at it like he was controlling my life. I was raised that the man was to be the one that is in control. I am almost 17 years old and didn't even realize that was what I was doing." Tabi sighed to herself how could she have been so stupid.

"There's more to my life that makes me depressed than just a stupid guy, but you don't really want to hear all my problems do you?"

First Tabi yells at him and then she is trying to be calm and nice she was really in need of her potion, her emotions were all over the place.

"Yes kiss you, it was the first nice thing that was opposite of hex you that I could think of."

Alistair's eyebrows were rising rapidly again, high enough to touch his hairline, "Raised to think that the man is to be in control at all times? Thats...thats just......." Alistair really didn't know what to say to that. He wondered what Tabi would say if she met his mother. Marissa Kane was a controlling, dominating woman if he had ever met one, and he still loved her more than anything else. "I personally believe that women are mentally stronger than men, they can handle problems and compromise with difficulties more easily."

Then Alistair smiled in amusement, "Yes, I hope that you haven't been driven to this state just because a man left you. You already have told me part of your problems, there's no sense stopping midway, right? Feel free to vent all you like."

Wow, the girl certainly had moodswings though. First crying, then glaring, and now putting on the calm demeanor. It was difficult to keep track of what she was feeling. "First thing opposite of hex? That means you did want to hex me." Then a pause. "The way you were talking about men.....I presume you're a pureblood?"

Tabi was sipping her tea while she was listening to Alistair was saying. She really found it interesting how honest he was with what he said. He never held anything back.

"My father is a very strict pureblood and believes that everything is controlled by him. I even had a prearranged marriage to a guy who would hit me when he felt like it. But then I thought that was how things were suppose to be." Tabi took a breathe and continued "I met Ivano and Damien met Tessa so things changed with that, but I still stood in the background."

Tabi used to try and be a strong person, but with everything that has happened she was a shell of the person she used to be she was mostly talk and no action.

Tabi looked down at the table and the tears started to fall again as she thought about her sister. "My father killed my twin sister a couple of years ago and I still find it hard to deal with the fact that she isn't there when I need her. We were always in each others minds."

Tabi grabbed a napkin to try and dry her tears. "Yes, I am a pureblood. There used to be a time that I would hex first and ask questions later."

Alistair's eyes hardened slightly when Tabi spoke of her betrothed hitting her. His voice was lower, deeper, reflecting his anger, "No self-respecting man worth his salt would ever raise a hand on a woman. I'm sorry if you get offended, but your father is out of his mind."

Then a pause. "I suppose Ivano was the guy you were talking about. If you loved him, and more importantly, he loved you, then why would you ever be in the background?"

Damn, another moodswing. Tabi was crying, again. After Alistair had so successfully distracted her from her sorrow by angering her too. But what he had just heard was enough to confirm his opinions about Tabi's father. "A father, killing his own daughter. What a truly screwed up relationship. I won't say that I'm sorry and that I understand your pain, because I don't. I never had a family like yours. But I'm saying this from the heart, that I hope like hell that your life improves from here on. That you meet better people, who actually care about you." Alistair spoke in a tone that punctuated every word with meaning. He truly meant every word he was saying.

Then, in an attempt to distract her, "You say you're a pureblood.....and your name is Tabi.......you wouldn't possibly be Tabitha Prewett, would you?"

Tabi sighed still trying to dry out her eyes, "I know, that was the one thing that Ivano never did and I think that was why I gravitated towards him."

Tabi thought about it, "I guess I never really thought about things before now. It was just something I was used to and thought about it. Don't get me wrong I used to be strong and could stand up to people that were considered beneath me. It just seems I have lost my fire." Tabi said sort of sadly.

"I would like things to get better from here, I hate my father and wish he was dead. But I am so broken, why would someone what to care about me."

Tabi about died when he asked her about her name, no one called her Tabitha ever.

"Yes, that would be me. But I never allow anyone to call me Tabitha, that's what my father calls me." Tabi said the last part with almost a sound of loathing in her voice. Her own father made her hate her own name.

"I'm glad to hear you think that you can stand up to people. Looking down on people however, if you used to have that quality, and you think you don't have it now, that's a good thing. After all, I myself am Muggleborn." Then Alistair chuckled slightly, "And I think you're mistaken about losing your fire, the way you snapped back at me just minutes before, I think you have loads of it still left."

Then Tabi asked why people would care about her. Alistair paused for a few moments.Because they would see in you the same beauty that I saw when I was sketching your face when I first came here. He spoke in a voice softer than he had ever used before, "Give people a chance. You think no one can care, can love you. You never know, the world might just surprise you one day and give you the one person who'll love you more than anything else in this world."

Hell, this girl hated get own name, her identity. More than anything, Alistair despised Tabi's father for this. In a strangely strong voice, Alistair spoke, "You know, I think I'm going to call you Tabitha from now on." Alistair wanted to give Tabi the chance to associate her full name with someone other than her father, someone who didn't hate her. He didn't want her to remember her cruel father when she heard her name, Alistair wanted her to remember him, a stranger who bothered to walk over to her, to hear her problems and give her time of the day, that no one else bothered to. If Tabi hated him for calling her by her first name, so be it. She probably hated him anyway for being so harsh, for butting in. Besides, she said she said she was raised as a pureblood, and he was a muggleborn, which meant she hated him more. But if Alistair managed to make Tabi love her name, then he would feel like he had actually accomplished something.

Tabi found herself lean against Alistair and pulling her feet besides her while they talked and she sipped her tea which was about empty so she flagged down the waitress for another cup.

"I mean when that's all your father talks about is how wrong muggles and muggleborns are you tend to believe them. But after being locked up cause I went crazy I met a lot of muggleborns and discovered they are not as bad as my father thought." Tabi sighed "It doesn't feel like I do."

The waitress had come back and filled her tea and she added her sweetener to it and took a sip of the tea and gave a content sigh. Something in her body and mind was telling her that this was right that this guy might be able to show her that there are things in life worth taking a chance for.

"Well I will try to talk to more people, maybe mister right is out there for me and I just don't know it." Tabi was thinking about this guy sitting next to her, could be. He seemed like the type of guy who would pull her out of her hole and be honest with her and not tell her what he thinks she wanted to know.

Tabi looked up at Alistair when he commented about using her full name,

"Does that mean I might by chance be seeing you again?" Tabi thought hopefully

Alistair had been expecting Tabi to flare up again upon hearing that he was Muggleborn. Instead of yelling at him, or looking at him in disgust, or any other thing that he would have expected a pureblood raised girl to do, Tabi instead seemed to loosen up, and she leaned against him as if for support and comfort.

Alistair stiffened for a second, and then relaxed, smiling slightly. It felt...right. Good. Comforting. Didn't matter that he had met Tabi just today, didn't matter that they were strangers. All that mattered was the fact that Alistair had managed to comfort her, and he felt a tiny wisp of warmth curling inside on seeing her peaceful face. Alistair turned his head, fixing his eyes on Tabi's brilliant green, and speaking from the heart, like he always did, "I'm glad. Someone like you doesn't deserve to shut herself to the world. You may get hurt a thousand times, but never give up trying. "Maybe the person you're looking for is right next to you, and you don't even know it.
Then, Tabi surprised him again. Alistair had expected Tabi to get all irritated upon the use of her first name. But she simply looked.....hopeful? Then, Alistair realized he was hopeful too. Just a bit. He didn't want this to be the first and only time he saw Tabi. He commented quietly, "I'm coming to Hogwarts next week, for an apprenticeship project. I have to look over the hospital wing. Will I be seeing you there,Tabitha?" His voice lingered over her name slightly. Then, in an even lower tone, "Your name is beautiful, you know."

Tabi was very content where she was setting. She could not explain what was pulling her towards this man, but then her premonition powers have started to cause feelings in her that she had never had before. But something kept telling her this was a guy she needed to get to know, she was almost 17 anyway.

"Thank you, I just hope that this guy will be able to deal with my mood swings. My emotions are all over the place. Makes my headaches worse sometimes." Tabi reached into her bag and grabbed her potion and drink it down relieving some of the pressure that was building.

Tabi got a little excited when he said that he was coming to Hogwarts, "I am pretty sure I shall be there."

Tabi smiled and looked at him hopeful and then could not help herself and kissed his cheek,

"Thank you, maybe after hearing that a few dozen times I will believe it myself."

“I understand. Sometimes we find so many imperfections in ourselves that it seems impossible that anyone can love us.” Alistair smiled faintly. Then, in a straightforward voice, “Yes, you do have terrible moodswings. Utterly confuses me on what you’re actually feeling. But………” Alistair didn’t complete the thought. He believed in truth yes, but even he understood that it would be strange to tell a girl he’d just met that he could put up with her moodswings forever.

But it didn’t feel like he’d just met her, especially with that concern he could feel flaring up inside him as she clearly downed some medicine for her headaches. “Those aren’t very healthy, you know. They could get addictive. Do you have headaches for stress or something?”

Then, that concern was replaced by glowing warmth. Tabi just kissed his cheek. Alistair resisted the urge to place his hand on his cheek. Instead, he shot a warm, dimpled smile at her, inwardly wondering on how he had never imagined that he would encounter this upon entering this small, cozy café, “I’m glad. You’ll meet me there, won’t you? Not get another of your moodswings and pretend not to know me?”

"I sorry about my mood swings sometimes its like I am fighting myself on things. I mean there used to be a time where I would fight everyone that didn't think like I thought. Then after being locked up my thoughts changed." Tabi sighed and leaned up and turned a little in the booth to face Alistair.

"Its like I don't know who I am any more. I know what I want to be, but then I still have my father telling me what I am suppose to be." Tabi sighed a little and then took a drink.

When he comment about the potion she knew that she could trust this guy. Ask her how she knew it she could never tell you, it was just something that she knew.

"I try not to take the potion too often, but sometimes I don't know how to make them stop." Tabi started to explain a little more about herself.

"My sister and I had twin telepathy and we could do everything together in our mind. Talk, fight, everything no matter where we were we could reach each others mind." Tabi sighed and continued.

"Now that she is gone, its like I have an emptiness in my head which is now being filled with visions, or premonitions. My everything I receive is all messed up. The potion helps calm it down."

Tabi thought to herself now was the time for this guy to run if he wanted even if he wanted to see her again.

"I could never forget you now, not many people want to talk to crazy people." Tabi really wasn't that crazy she was just trying to work through her depression with out anyone to talk to.

Alistair felt a distinct prick inside, seeing how distressed Tabi was. This obviously wasn't like her, or rather wasn't like she used to be. It was clear from her narrations that Tabi wasn't very proud of the person that she used to be, someone who looked down on people. But, she wasn't happy with the sobbing, emotional mess of a person she is now too.

Briefly hesitating, Alistair placed a hand on Tabi's shoulder, voice comforting, "You...you need to ground yourself. Start thinking about who you are, rather than who people want you to be. If you're arrogant, fine, then show it, don't be ashamed of it. If you're nice, then you don't have to hesitate to show that either. Don't give a bloody damn about your father, or your family, or people around you. You've lived for other people long enough, start living for yourself."

Alistair's eyebrows furrowed upon hearing of her sister. Twin telepathy was very rare. People were not known to survive if such a thing was lost. And the fact that Tabi was now receiving premonitions.......Alistair's voice was serious, with an undertone of unease, "You sound like you're developing Seer qualities. I might be wrong but.......I have studied Psychosis, and if I'm not mistaken, then that potion of yours is suppressing these qualities. Your mind is revolting under the pressure, which is why you have these sudden moodswings and migraines. Instead of anesthetizing your mind, you need to start working on development of your Seer powers, if you have any. Forcibly calming your mind will bring no permanent good.

After confessing about her premonitions to Alistair, Tabi almost looked wary, as if Alistair would go running away from her any time now. Alistair smiled in amusement, "Oh you're not crazy. You're just different. People can't really handle those who are different, I've had personal experience. If you're crazy, then I don't know what I am, with my disorder."

Tabi sighed as she listened to Alistair talk to her and when he placed his hand on her shoulder she jumped a little when she felt a surge of electricity. She had not felt anything that sharp before, almost took her breathe away.

Tabi looked up into Alistair's eyes and smiled a little, "Will you be around to help me?" She asked hopefully "I know that type of person I want to be. I want to be someone who is loved and can love back, not to care what other people think about me. I want to be honest with my feelings. But I am scared."

Tabi got a little concerned when he talked about what the potion could do, "My father told me it was what I needed, he makes the potion for me. I have been taking it since they finally let me out."

Tabi wondered if the clinic told him something and that he wanted to suppress her abilities. "You don't think he was doing that on purpose?"

Tabi was glad that he didn't like she was crazy and when he commented about his own disordered

"Are you all right, you seem way more grounded than me."

Alistair had definitely not imagined that quiver when he put his hand on Tabi's shoulder. It seemed that he had not been the only one to feel something. He never knew his voice could take on such a reassuring note, but that was exactly so when he spoke to Tabi, "Of course I'll be there. I know that we've just met but......" Alistair raised his eyes and held Tabi's gaze, "I don't think I'm the only one who feels that we've known each other for a long time. I guess this is what you call an instant connection, no?"

Alistair's eyes grew cold as Tabi mentioned her father again. Yes, he wouldn't put it past him to actually suppress Tabi's abilities like that. "Your father murdered your sister, I wouldn't be surprised if he was giving you that potion to suppress your Seer abilities." Alistair absentmindedly tapped his fingers on the table, "I will be coming to Hogwarts next Friday for my internship project, can you give me a sample of your potion now? I will test it over the week and see if it has any malignant qualities." The urge to protect Tabi from whatever the potion was doing to her was strong.

Then Alistair smiled, with a slightly sad and bitter undertone to his voice, "I don't consider it a disorder, but people around me do. I can't lie, can't say anything that I don't mean, don't even want to say it in fact. Mother wants to send me for therapy." The bitter note in his voice became more pronounced, "It says volumes about the world we live in that, I speak only the truth, and people call me abnormal. I refused to go to therapy, I don't want to learn how to lie. I'm happy with myself and want to stay the way I am, but of course people aren't satisfied."

Tabi could not help but hold Alistair's gaze and she took her hand and found his hand on the table and entwined her own with it without releasing their eye contact. It was almost like she was speaking outside of herself, which was a very weird feeling she had to admit.

"For the last two years since these premonitions have started I have felt like I was looking for something, something that should have been there all along, but got lost along the way." Tabi smiled

"Destiny can be a very powerful thing, can cause things to happen. They say that two people can be brought from life to life as different people and until their destiny entwines they will never be truly happy."

Tabi stopped talking and released their eye contact and his hand. "Sorry that was a little different for me, that has never happened." Tabi wondered if by gazing into each others eyes a connection was diffidently made. "There is a diffident connection between us, almost like we have been together before. I cannot really explain it."

When Alistair spoke about the potion Tabi had no trouble digging into bag and handed a potion to Alistair. "I will not take any more, I promise until you know something. But the headaches do hurt."

Tabi knew that if she just worked with her power then maybe things would become clearer and the headaches would stop.

"I cannot wait to see you there, I will be watching for you." Tabi said with a smile.

Tabi smiled at Alistair, "You should be proud that you feel secure in your own skin. One day I hope I feel the same way."

Tabi had a question, "Now don't take this the wrong way but if your asked a question do you have to answer it, like your on a truth serum. Or can you avoid it?"

Tabi thought it was a very important questions especially if something happens between them. she would not want to put him in a spot where he would want to lie but couldn't.

When Tabi took his hand and made eye-contact, for a few seconds it felt like the world had stopped spinning on its axis. Everything around them had come to a stop. Alistair could hear nothing, but the sound of Tabi's voice. Then when she released his hand, it was like a spell had been broken, and Alistair could speak, think and feel normally again.

"I.....I've never felt like that either.....so withdrawn, so separated from the world and its people." Alistair blinked to clear his head. " It is rather disconcerting. Maybe, maybe you are right about destiny. Otherwise, how else would I have entered this cafe the same time you were here as well? Something larger is at work here." And Alistair had the niggling feeling that this had something to do with Tabi's premonitions.

Alistair extended his hand and plucked the bottle out from Tabi's, dropping it into his pocket. "I'll get to work on this immediately when I'm back at the hospital. I know the headaches will hurt, but please try to bear them, at least for some time, until I come."

"I'm like the opposite of a compulsive lying disorder. It isn't the fact that I can't lie, more the fact that I don't want to. I don't understand why people lie at all, why they say things they don't mean. I can easily say things like, the sky is green. Its just that, I can't grasp the concept of lying, the psychology behind it. I don't know why people want to lie in the first place. So don't hold yourself back from asking me any questions. I may not answer them, but I'll never lie to you, because I haven't done it in my entire life and I don't intend to start."

Tabi felt a kind of loss almost when she cancelled her connection. Was this how it was suppose to be for people destined to be together that a loss would be felt.

"Well I for one am glad you happened in here today, and decided to deal with moody ol me.". Tabi said with a smile.

Tabi knew it would not be long until she would seem him again and she would bare the headaches for him. He seemed to know what he was talking about. "Like I said I promise I will deal with it, it won't be long"

Tabi was drinking her tea as Alistair talked about his condition and could understand where he was coming from and how right he was about lying. Tabi had learned a long time ago that lying safed her arse.

"I try not to lie, but sometimes I feel I have no choice. My whole life with my father is a lie and I live it everytime I am with him.". Tabi knew it was because she didn't want to die.